The Journey – Vespa And A Laptop http://vespaandalaptop.com A Scooter Chick and Her Tiny Dogs Travel Across The USA on a Vespa Then Roll into a Motorhome Tue, 05 Jan 2016 19:35:43 +0000 en-US hourly 1 LifeHacking into Contentment http://vespaandalaptop.com/lifehacking-into-contentment/ Mon, 04 Jan 2016 10:00:56 +0000 http://vespaandalaptop.com/?p=1145 LifeHacking. And the chance that, just maybe, everything is perfectly fine and there is nothing to be fixed. Note: This has been an on-going document on my desktop for over two years.

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LifeHacking. And the chance that, just maybe, everything is perfectly fine and there is nothing to be fixed… Some Musings

Note: This has been an on-going document on my desktop for over two years. I’ve added and edited and pondered these simple thoughts many times. I’m compelled to finally hit publish because of a bit of weariness when I see the “New Year/ MUST CHANGE” posts from friends and peers.

Here’s a crazy notion: what if you are (and I am!) NOT broken and there isn’t anything that needs to be fixed/helped/changed? That self-help was a means to explore and not to repair? That everything you do and who you are is totally spot on! That how you approach this life is perfect in its own imperfections?

This has been on my mind a ton lately. I’ve had thousands of miles of driving to think (and an outdated iPod that only works 25% of the time) and a lot swirling in my head. Letting go of another business, starting 2 more, diving in to how I want to spend my time, planning to not plan.

There’s a pattern in my life of start and change and switch it up. “Serial entrepreneur” is the coy term for “I can’t stand doing this anymore, I’m changing.”

Yet, it always boils down to pursuing something that interests me… and then allowing myself to get pushed into another direction. As a “natural born leader” it is assumed that I will speak to the masses. Create a movement, do big things. I get swayed in that direction because I’m good at it.

And because there is a pressure to grow, do more, make this into something bigger!

Why?

Isn’t there something beautiful in doing just what you want when it also helps others?

I’m at my happiest- and my most dedicated- when I’m doing the small things that are big to just a handful of people. Sure, I’ve got the skill to give a great presentation and I’ve been fortunate to inspire many over the course of my life, yet nothing makes me happier than figuring out how to solve a problem for the one person I am working with at any given time.

sitting-leaning-on-headlightThis push-pull in and out of pursuits that could bring the spotlight is often described as “fear of shining” or “playing it small.” And I’ve let myself get caught up in the need to be bigger, better, more. And wasn’t happy. Then one day I decided to hop on my Vespa and take a little trip.

At the same time, we were shutting down Sidekick and diving into a different arena altogether with PDF Buddy and the soon to come Rapid Reports. Yet, truth be told, those are my (former) partner’s genius. I had to take a long look at how I was going to earn the money to pay for this journey, as we weren’t bringing in income with our code at the time.

Before there was Sidekick, I was getting really into WordPress and realized that was where my own genius lies.

This is how I like to describe a WordPress site:

  • There is a foundation and a set of studs. (The WordPress framework).
  • Then you get to decide where the walls go, which rooms are located where. (The theme you choose)
  • Then you get to decorate: paint, wallpaper, cabinet finishes, tile. (The options)
  • And finally, you get to put the art on the walls, accessorize and make it yours. (The plugins and content)
  • My brain functions this way! I can see a structure for what it is, but am not afraid to move things around. I’m the type that walks into an old ugly house that no one else wants and can see past the green shag carpet to the bones of the place. (Yes, my Buffalo house came with 2000 sq ft of green shag!)

Formulating a business around what I adore (geek that I am!) and am highly skilled in, but that could also be manageably small so that I could travel far and wide, I began to create Ultimate WP Help.

So I ran my ideas by a coach. And again… “How do you make it more? Where do you grow so you don’t have to actually DO all of it?” This is a common enough refrain in the solo entrepreneur world these days. You’ve got the Marie Forleo’s and Danielle LaPorte’s creating beautiful programs about how to have a movement. I am engaged in the circles of people who are pursuing these notions, so I’m around it a lot.

Then… I started DOING what I want to be doing, not trying to fix what wasn’t broken. Realizing that it is okay to be the WordPress genius to my handful of people. Their gratitude is enough.

I’m an emotional person, so paying attention to where I have the strongest feelings leads me to the same conclusion. I cry the happiest tears when I witness those around me accomplishing something that is great for them. Publishing a book, raising a thoughtful child, finishing a race. BEing who they are meant to be.

Just being content each day that I have freedom, which is my dearest value. You see, somewhere along the way, I also realized that I was no longer in the “Pursuit of Happiness” but rather, floating in the Pool of Contentment. Not setting the bar so high that every day had to be HAPPY, AMAZING, FULL OF OVERTHETOPJOY! But rather that every day gets to be filled with exactly the experiences that bring me peace, make me grateful and allow me to serve others. It’s a different bar to aspire to, one that is not only accessible, but repeatable day after day.

You are not broken. You don’t need to be fixed. You can change if you are inspired to do so, but not because of a date on the calendar, a milestone birthday or someone else telling you what it is you need to do.

I’ve realized my own journey is a lifehacking “experiment” that will, hopefully, last decades. My own normal may not be so to anyone else, but it works for me. And the lesson in all of it is that is DOESN’T have to work for you! Find your own path, celebrate all that you do and all that you are. I’m often told “You are living my dream!” When I answer, “No, I’m living MY dream, go and live yours!” I am not intending to be stand-off-ish or disregarding of the admiration. I want to encourage others to look deep into themselves and see what brings them their own greatest contentment. Then figure out how to make that happen day after day.

you-focus-on-your-genius-let-me-focus-on-mineAnd, if along the way, you find yourself needing support with your WordPress site, I’m your chick. You focus on your genius, let me focus on mine.
https://UltimateWPHelp.com

I’d love to hear more about your own path to contentment.

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A New Rolling Home: Road life continues! http://vespaandalaptop.com/1973-dodge-travco-two-twenty/ Mon, 05 Jan 2015 02:54:31 +0000 http://vespaandalaptop.com/?p=1009 18 months ago, I bought Ms Piggy pretty much on a whim after being on the road on my bike and Vespa and wanting to continue, but needing a more permanent home base. She was easy to maneuver, fully self-contained (bathroom, kitchen, bed etc) and had a hitch that could handle the weight of the

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18 months ago, I bought Ms Piggy pretty much on a whim after being on the road on my bike and Vespa and wanting to continue, but needing a more permanent home base. She was easy to maneuver, fully self-contained (bathroom, kitchen, bed etc) and had a hitch that could handle the weight of the Vespa. What an awesome year and a half of additional travel it has been. We’ve essentially done a complete figure-8 of the USA, seeing everything from cities to tiny towns, beaches to mountains. (and I may even get back to writing all about that!)

I absolutely love this lifestyle and can’t imagine it being over any time soon. Only two things were standing in the way: my back, which was injured many years ago and had been pretty stable for decades, was starting to yell at me. Ms Piggy doesn’t have full standing height throughout all but 2 feet. In addition, the rear door was usually covered by the Vespa and the carrier, so I had to enter and exit through the driver’s side door 90% of the time. Again, hunching over. I love the rear door of Ms Piggy and wish there was a different solution, but the Vespa was non-negotiable.

Plus, as much as I have divested myself of belongings, I still have “stuff” and was starting to feel boxed in by lack of storage. I had removed the dinette and added cabinets and that helped a ton, but that change made having a fellow traveler aboard a bit more of a hassle.

The decision to get a new-to-me rig became clear in December after my mom stayed with me for a week in San Antonio and then I stayed in an RV park in Austin for 9 days. I need to slow down a bit and not cover as many miles. And I want to do it in something that has a ton of character, space, storage and full standing height.

A mere three days after determining this is what I would do, I had narrowed down my choices to 70s or early 80’s. I love Airstreams, but wanted a drivable unit, so an Argosy was my plan. Then a member of a small RVers group I belong to sent me a link to a unit for sale on Craigslist and I was smitten!

Only catch: I was in Marfa, Texas and the rig was in San Diego. I had to trust my gut and put a lot of faith in the current owner being a good guy. I could sense almost immediately that he was terrific and he gave me detailed responses to my email messages. I’m realistic to know that any older vehicle requires work all the time. I’m not afraid of that, but don’t want a gut-reno project.

These were the questions I asked that were most important to me:

  • Is there a Class 3 or 4 hitch- which is 2″ across in the interior- so I can use my Vespa rack?
  • Is the length under 23 feet?
  • Has the rig been used and driven in the past few years?
  • Are there any leaks that have not been sealed and any interior water damage?

Yes…
Yes, Yes
No…

And that’s how I came to leave Marfa, TX on a 19 degree New Year’s Eve and drive 1000+ miles by Friday!

Meet… our new home!

 

She is a 1973 Dodge Travco Two Twenty with a 413 engine. The interior had been restored by a previous owner 2-3 years ago, resurfacing the cabinets in black walnut and laying down hardwood floors. The twin rear bed layout was changed into a QUEEN bed platform. We slept in her last night for the first time and felt a bit like drowning with all of that space, but we’ll get used to it! I’ll take more interior pictures once we have things sorted and put away, but here is a few from the listing:

 

Front kitchen and loveseat (with storage underneath), mid bathroom and cabinets and rear bedroom. With big windows all around the bed, it feels like you are floating. I’m sitting in here typing this and can see this becoming a very cozy alternate work spot, too.

Bruno the Vespa is still catching a ride on the rear and we no longer need to worry about the carrier being in the way! It also rides over a foot higher, so more clearance. Although the additional length means I won’t have as much maneuverability, it is still a pretty short rig as far as RVs go.

So all told, I’m under 26 feet with the carrier. I’m currently backed into an angled spot at the Oceanside Harbor, north of San Diego and we fit nicely. $28 for all day and night right on the ocean. Not bad! I won’t stay more than the one day, but it is lovely.

Generally, she needs a really good bath. Over time maybe some exterior work, but nothing major. Some fiberglass sealant will do wonders to shine her up. The engine runs strong, there are already added batteries in the house and I can easily connect my solar set-up within the given space and layout.

The name:

I must name my rides, I talk to them!

Being an early 70’s vehicle, I wanted a name that felt mid-century, quirky or fun and had some meaning to me. I was going to conduct a poll and let you all decide between the four names I had come up with:

  1. Sally (for Sally Ride, first female American astronaut)
  2. Chrissy (for the character played by Suzanne Somers on Three’s Company- the epitome of late 70s tv and she was a hoot!)
  3. Amelia (for flight pioneer and avid traveler Amelia Earhart)
  4. Olive (for my Grandma Sessa, who had a tremendous role in my life, and also a reference to the rig’s green stripe)

(I had a lot of time to think over 1000 miles of driving!)

Then… I arrived at the home where the Travco was parked and….

she was sitting in the middle of an olive grove!!

Sorry, all, but the name was a given.

Wish us well with Olive!

Next steps:

Ms Piggy is going to be for sale, but I have the luxury of keeping her for a bit while I get everything sorted. She’ll be in the San Diego area and going for $5000 OBO. 41K miles on a GMC 400 6.1L engine that runs like a champ. She’ll make someone a great starter travel vehicle, a weekend camper or whatever they dream up. She’s done very, very well by us and I will be happy to see her move to another enthusiastic explorer.

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Happy National Dog Day http://vespaandalaptop.com/happy-national-dog-day/ Wed, 27 Aug 2014 00:42:59 +0000 http://vespaandalaptop.com/?p=919 Why, hello again! We fell off the radar with this blog for a multitude of reasons, which I may get to in coming days and weeks. But today is National Dog Day, so it is a truly appropriate day to begin anew. Happy National Dog Day to all the furry companions who have every enriched

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Why, hello again!

We fell off the radar with this blog for a multitude of reasons, which I may get to in coming days and weeks. But today is National Dog Day, so it is a truly appropriate day to begin anew.

Happy National Dog Day to all the furry companions who have every enriched our lives!!!

On January 1st of 2014, we welcomed another furry family member to our little rolling life. Logan is 6 or 7 years old, a Chihuahua like Jerome and was found at a shelter in Kyle, TX, just south of Austin. We went to the Austin Humane Society and they told me that they had just sent him to this other shelter. So off we went to check him out.

2014-08-24 17.19.25I allowed Jerome to pick. There were 3 small dogs at this shelter, so we put them all in the yard together. It was instant friendship between these two. They’ve since become known as the Velcro Boys and the Chi-Bros (Nacho Libros). Jerome has a bestie and I have two cuddle bugs.

Logan’s previous hu-mom had passed away and her son turned Logan into the shelter the next day. While I am curious as to the situation that would have him heading right to giving up the dog, I am also very grateful. Our little family feels very complete.

Living much of my time in solitude as a nomad, the dogs bring me companionship, consistency, a reason to explore and plenty of giggles. Yes, I get attacked with licks pretty much every morning. Wouldn’t have it any other way!

2014-08-17 09.32.58Logan is very athletic, but a bit shy and anxious. Jerome is very fast, although Logan tops him by 3 pounds. Watching them race around, wrestle and generally enjoy one another’s company is a delight. Plus, they create smiles anywhere we walk because it really is super cute to see two dogs that equal 11 pounds together.

 

 

One Year Later

Its been just over a year since I lost Purl to a tragic accident. The one year anniversary laid me out. Completely. I sobbed for hours. I cry often, but the date itself was tough, no lie.

I’ve come to find out that people thought it happened on the Vespa. It did not. Another dog was involved. It was a pure accident, but not while I was riding. I just kind of needed to get that out there, without going into details about what caused Purl’s death. It was no one’s fault, there is no blame to be placed. It just is what it is.

I miss her every single day. The Chi-bros are incredible in their own right, but no one dog replaces another. Purl was one-of-a-kind.

The Dogs We Know and Love

We lost another dog in our family earlier in the year, Simon, the Corgi I had from puppyhood until 11 years old, who then lived with my parents for his final three years. Fourteen for a Corgi is very, very good. It was a sweet and bittersweet passing.

At the end of this past year, my parents got another dog of their own, Ryan. A gorgeous Cavalier King Charles Spaniel rescue- through the Seniors for Seniors Program at North Shore Animal League. This program is hugely supported by Howard Stern’s wife, Beth. This has been a real blessing in my parents life and I am so glad they decided to get another dog. And, so is Jerome! 2014-07-28 18.29.37

Another dog I am grateful for is Lacey, who was my dog until she went to live with my friend Kelly. They are a wonderful pair and it really warms my heart that they have one another.

Last month we took a vacation with one of my closest friends and her dog. We actually met because of the tiny dogs and have stayed friends through multiple moves each. It was terrific to take a road trip together, and the dogs got along very well.

So, I am celebrating National Dog Day with a renewed intention toward this blog, a full heart from canine love and smiles of memories of these and other special dogs that have been in my life. I may travel solo, but I am never truly alone. And for that, I am so grateful!

Please enjoy some more favorite dog images from the past year. Feel free to share something about your own dog in the comments!

 

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Living A Mobile Lifestyle: Announcing Our New Home http://vespaandalaptop.com/living-a-mobile-lifestyle/ Mon, 02 Dec 2013 04:43:40 +0000 http://vespaandalaptop.com/?p=896 I’m basically a turtle. I carry my home on my back! Which also means I have no set home, except for the mini-rv we live in. I’m really enjoying living a mobile lifestyle, but there are some aspects that need to be taken care of in order to embark on this “unconventional” lifestyle. (Actually, I

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Connecting To The Internet When You Live In A Motorhome http://vespaandalaptop.com/connecting-to-the-internet-when-you-live-in-a-motorhome/ Fri, 22 Nov 2013 03:43:02 +0000 http://vespaandalaptop.com/?p=886 Connecting to the internet when you live in a motorhome is a topic that comes up a lot! Despite traveling all over the country and spending a lot of time exploring new places- and finding new interests in familiar ones, I do indeed work every day. When your work is all based online, connectivity is

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Connecting to the internet when you live in a motorhome is a topic that comes up a lot!

Despite traveling all over the country and spending a lot of time exploring new places- and finding new interests in familiar ones, I do indeed work every day. When your work is all based online, connectivity is a constant concern. You may notice that I spend more of my time in urban areas than boon docking on BLM land like some RVers, and staying connected, along with personal safety, is a major reason why.

I carry two different WiFi devices with me from different networks, but no matter what, it costs a lot in data. I do my best to use other people’s connections whenever possible (gratitude!!). Sure, you immediately think of Starbucks when you envision the world’s digital army getting their work done every day, but not only is this expensive in a different way, they’re not the most conducive environments for getting lots of focused work done. (Even the least expensive drink is over $2 and I don’t advocate going into a retail location like this and not buying something.)

How to Connect To The Internet When You Live In A Motorhome

This enthusiastic (!) library is in Boise, Idaho.

In comes the community public library. You’ll rarely encounter a library that doesn’t allow visitors to log onto their internet. There are usually various seating areas, from comfy club chairs to desk and chair combos. And, when you need some inspiration, just look around for an amazing array of resources!

Full disclosure: I am the daughter of a librarian/ professor of library science. So its in my blood. We were brought up to read, research and even play at the library. But most people don’t consider the branches outside of their community.

Google maps + “library” usually yields a few results near wherever I am. Pick one and point the Vespa or Ms Piggy and we’re good to go. I’ve yet to step into a library that wasn’t welcoming and suitable for getting work done. Bonus is the super fast internet connection.

I create a lot of videos, so even if I record and edit on my own connection, I try to wait until I’m at a library to upload. Connecting to the internet when you live in a motorhome requires some patience, but its all worth it, I promise.

Plus, if you are so inclined, there is usually a community board of activities, from movie nights to craft classes. Usually free or low-cost, these are great activities when traveling through a town.

Check out the library in the next area you visit and enjoy connecting to the internet when you live in a motorhome.

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New Web App: Making It Easier For the World To Edit a PDF Online http://vespaandalaptop.com/edit-a-pdf-online/ Fri, 15 Nov 2013 14:10:05 +0000 http://vespaandalaptop.com/?p=851 For almost the entire time I have been traveling, our software business has been in the midst of a significant “pivot” (that’s developers language for “We’re changing what we do!”). In January of 2012, we identified an area, social media management, that had several existing applications, but we knew we could design better. We did.

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For almost the entire time I have been traveling, our software business has been in the midst of a significant “pivot” (that’s developers language for “We’re changing what we do!”). In January of 2012, we identified an area, social media management, that had several existing applications, but we knew we could design better. We did. Sidekick’s dashboard was an excellent product and we are very proud of what we created.

Changes in the social media landscape made keeping up with the code a 24 hour a day project, and decisions were made that affected us with no warning or human interaction. We were starting to live a lifestyle that wasn’t interesting to either of us, in addition to battling robots on a never ending basis. It was time to move on. In fact, today is the last day of its operation.

Through the course of Sidekick’s development, we identified an area that we wanted to explore: the creation of beautiful, printable reports from the data on our dashboard. Have you ever noticed the difference between what you can see for a report online and what it looks like once it is printed? Horrible, right?

As we began exploring PDFs, there were issues on the consumer facing side and the developer facing side. We tackled both.

For most of us, editing, filling out and signing forms is a pain in the neck! We asked how do you edit a pdf online and found what people already did. Some solutions did already exist, but they were either poorly designed, very expensive or lacking in security features. In some cases, they made it harder to get the forms completed than printing, writing and scanning. This was just unacceptable.

pdfbuddy_iconWe’re happy to introduce PDF Buddy, the easy to use, web-based application to fill out, mark up, edit, sign (and more!) PDF forms. So simple to use, free for up to 3 documents a month and very inexpensive thereafter. We take security very seriously and implement best practices at every level. Most important, we make it simple and quick for you to get your forms taken care of and move on with your day.

So if you wonder what it is I “do all day” sometimes, when we aren’t adventuring, exploring and taking photos of Jerome, head over to PDFBuddy.com and give it a whirl. Would love to know what you think!

Next up: Rapid Reports, our API solution for developers, will be released. This is what will make all of those reports so much nicer to look at and utilize.

We are concurrently working on the expansion of Ultimate WP Help, our boutique WordPress site service for small businesses and solopreneurs to remove the stress of the tech side of site maintenance. More to come in my next post!

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In the NorthWest, Connecting With People- and a new contest! http://vespaandalaptop.com/northwest_and_contest/ Sun, 10 Nov 2013 20:22:26 +0000 http://vespaandalaptop.com/?p=724 Meandering through the Northwest A month ago, we arrived back in California and began our journey northward. Having spent so much time on the coast, I decided to go a bit more interior, then head West again to hit Vancouver, WA to visit a friend. The landscape of the high desert is a constant surprise

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Meandering through the Northwest

A month ago, we arrived back in California and began our journey northward. Having spent so much time on the coast, I decided to go a bit more interior, then head West again to hit Vancouver, WA to visit a friend.

The landscape of the high desert is a constant surprise to me, as are the towns and small cities along the way. Beautiful vistas, incredibly friendly people, well-planned communities. And of course, plenty of great wine!

 

 

Ms Piggy is totally capable of handling cooler weather, as there is a propane heater that warms the tiny space up within minutes. The temperature drops overnight, though, reminded me that one particular destination I must make by mid-November is going to be very cold. Then, it will be on to more moderate temps. I’ve always been a fan of 72 degrees, so that’s basically the weather I’m going to chase.

Weather Effect

The gloom on the coast was really, really getting to me. I’ve now driven to Boise, ID, where the sun is shining and I’m a much happier camper.

Jerome checking out the Depot in Boise, ID

Jerome checking out the Depot in Boise, ID

But I’m also happier because I’ve been allowing myself to truly grieve and get through the emotions that have bubbled over the past 10 days or so. Sharing what I was going through was not easy- I like to think of myself as a cheery person in other’s view- but in sharing, I was also able to get the support I desperately needed.

It’s interesting, this chosen life on the road. I truly cherish being alone so much of the time. I’m comfortable in my own skin, can occupy myself without feeling self-conscious anywhere I go and enjoy meeting new people. Yet that doesn’t mean that I can survive without connecting deeply with others. Making the effort to meet some “online friends” in person has been worth it. I’ve been getting a bit fatigued with social media, so shutting off the constant streams and truly engaging with people is filling my soul back up.

Social Media- A Double Edged Sword

More and more people are telling me that social media is “getting” to them- one person called it a necessary evil. I don’t think it is evil, yet I’m going to be making a more conscious effort to disconnect. It can be a bit of a trap for me, in being along, I turn to the social streams to do just that, socialize. Yet, I’m traveling through great communities and there are plenty of “real life” people to connect with. Balance… that’s a priority for me now.

New Contest!

In celebration of a month being truly location independent, here’s another mileage contest.
Winner gets a personalized postcard from our trip and a treat from somewhere we’ve enjoyed visiting!

How many miles have we driven since we arrived back in San Francisco area and the odometer tripped to 20000? I’ve described our path and we’re now in Boise, Idaho.

2013-11-07 mileagecontest

Comment below with your answer by Monday night at 7pm EST… and I’ll be announcing the winner through the newsletter, so make sure you are subscribed!

 

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Twins Separated at Birth- The Jimmy Van Coach http://vespaandalaptop.com/twins-separated-birth-jimmy-van-coach/ Wed, 06 Nov 2013 05:08:25 +0000 http://vespaandalaptop.com/?p=763 A funny thing happened while I was driving through Central Oregon (just before Madras, to be exact)… we spotted our twin! I’ve been told that there were just about 100 of these Jimmy Van Coach made, so running into another one is certainly rare. And it made me very glad we found the one we

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A funny thing happened while I was driving through Central Oregon (just before Madras, to be exact)… we spotted our twin!

I’ve been told that there were just about 100 of these Jimmy Van Coach made, so running into another one is certainly rare. And it made me very glad we found the one we did.

You know those studies where they’re always looking for twins who didn’t grow up together to see the effects of nature vs. nurture? Well, this would qualify!

This one hadn’t worn sunscreen, probably smoked too much and certainly partied like a rock star, including trashing hotel rooms.

But hey, it’s available if anyone craves a project.

So how do you think our Ms Piggy has held up?

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Let The Sun Shine In http://vespaandalaptop.com/let-sun-shine/ Sun, 03 Nov 2013 20:02:58 +0000 http://vespaandalaptop.com/?p=662 I’ve been wallowing. It’s not pretty, but it is what it is. Another good reason to be traveling alone, sobbing eyes aren’t very attractive! The gloomy weather is adding to my mood (or taking away from it, as the case may be!) so I’ve decided to move along, heading up to Seattle where I’ve got

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Not every day is wonderful http://vespaandalaptop.com/not-every-day-is-wonderful/ Sat, 02 Nov 2013 14:34:47 +0000 http://vespaandalaptop.com/?p=657 Today is a down day. There, I said it. I know I’m usually perky and upbeat and all so enthusiastic for this life I’ve chosen, but today… I’m sad. I went to bed last night with the deepest heartache missing Purl. Sometimes it just comes out of the blue and smacks me and I crumble.

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Today is a down day.

There, I said it. I know I’m usually perky and upbeat and all so enthusiastic for this life I’ve chosen, but today… I’m sad. I went to bed last night with the deepest heartache missing Purl. Sometimes it just comes out of the blue and smacks me and I crumble. I’m still trying to piece out whether it is that I feel at a loss for the sudden way it happened, or if her loss was also symbolic of the end of the daily freedom of riding.

And I feel a bit of a failure. I know I know, you’ll tell me that’s not true, that I’m inspiring, all of that. I can own that too. But I’ve failed. At keeping her safe, at riding all the way across the country, at making something of the trip- a more consistent blog, a book, a speaking tour, inspiring a larger audience.

And it did not clear itself with a good night’s rest, even though I slept soundly. I woke up and tears where already building up in my eyes before I could even think. The rain on the rooftop heralding a less then perfect Saturday ahead. Its time to move on.

I’ve been in Portland for a week now. Got to hang with one of my closest friends for a bit, so that is wonderful. But this has been a week of work, not play. I’ve not done this area justice, but I just need to leave. Money is tight and we’ve got a ton on our plate. Its a pressure and a feeling of sadness and anxiety all rolled into one. Of giving up on Sidekick and admitting defeat. Not wanting to keep fixing and working through the ever constant issuing of changes from the social sites. Not wanting to keep playing a game we don’t have enough size, money, people or heart to engage in. Knowing we’ve put out one of the best damn products in the social field but that didn’t matter one iota. It hits at my greatest need, my need for justice. There is none.

There is no distinction between my sadness over Purl, the Vespa journey and ceasing to run Sidekick. Such a tumbled mixed up sense of where everything stands right now, despite new apps, new rides and next steps on the horizon. And that makes me all the more sad.

Purl, as comfortable as can be on a Vespa

Purl, as comfortable as can be on a Vespa

I think of her pretty little face and my mind snaps to the last few minutes despite my best efforts. And for anyone that thinks we get a new pet to “replace” the one we’ve lost, I can tell you that is absolutely not the case. Jerome is warm and loving and a terrific snuggler and great companion. He is lying on my feet as I write this. I love him ever so much and am grateful for him every day. But… he is not Purl. He is not Simon. He is not Jasmine. He is not Lacey (who is very much alive and living with her wonderful Kelly, but no longer with me). One does not replace the other any more than a human replaces another human in our hearts. If that is something you don’t understand, it actually makes me feel sad for you since that also means you don’t understand the unique personalities that are revealed in any one of our pets and in our relationships with them.

Purl was my freedom girl. With her, I was unique and interesting and fearless. We were doing something so extraordinary. She was dropping that ball at feet all across the country and delighting people everywhere we went. She was also coming off of a Vespa, which brought more wonder. She was a conversation starter, a funny tiny bundle of fur that filled a room. I’ve lost that momentum, that daily spark, that sense of exploring that she brought into my life.

It’s a down day. I know it won’t last and that I’ll recover my sense of enthusiasm for every day, maybe even by the time the sun rises. But right now, I cry. It is what it is.

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